| i need someone to tell me that ill be ok. anybody. but even my mom cant look at me in the eye and say it. im so tired of being scared. and im so tired of not knowing who i am anymore. |
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| there is 188 days until my 21st birthday. i need to knuckle down and get shit done and grow the fuck up. im so far from a college degree its ridiculous and im not getting any younger and neither is my dad. i hate growing up and having to be serious. i just want to be a dumb kid forever or fast forward a few years and be successful and have a properly functioning family of my own. what i really need is a good kick in the ass to set this into motion. |
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| whenever i get a call from one of our mutual friends i let it go to voice mail. just in case its them telling me youve died or killed yourself or fell in love with someone else. the constant fear is astounding.
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| I just remembered that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down aisle five
you looked behind you and smiled back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us if we could leave.
Can't remember what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to
Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
I sleep with this new girl I’m still getting used to
My friends all approve, say “she’s gonna be good for you.”
They throw me high fives.
She says the Bible is all that she reads.
and prefers that I not use profanity
Your mouth was so dirty
Life of the party,
And she swears that she’s artsy,
But you could distinguish Miles from Coltrane
Our love was comfortable and so broken in.
She’s perfect
So flawless,
Or so they say.
Hey and
Say, Heyyyyy.
She thinks I can’t see the smile that she’s fakin’
Poses for pictures that aren’t being taken.
I loved you
grey sweat pants
No make up
So perfect
Our love was comfortable and so broken in.
That you were my first love
Is just dumb luck.
A technicality.
You were ahead of me.
That you were my first love.
Is just dumb, dumb, stupid luck.
A technicality.
You will always be ahead of me.
Oh, oh, tell me.
Why I have to practice on you.
Why I have to practice on your heart.
Oh.
i know your reading this. dont be stupid please. life is so important. just tell me you wont do it.
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| literally everything sucks. my mom threatened to call abingtons psych ward if i didnt agree to seeing a psychiatrist again so thats great on top everything else i have to do. like all the extra shit im doing for work and not getting a fucking raise for it and these classes that are way more trouble than theyre worth and on top of it all i have noone to talk to about it. noone i can fully depend on because im a fucking idiot. and when im not totally busy with school work or work work im typically high or drunk or both because all that anger management and head shrinking made me nothing but terrified of my emotions and try to avoid them. im literally terrified that any time im not distracted and have time to think that at any moment im just gonna snap and do something horrible and im so scared.
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